Public Service Announcement: The Internet
Random, undirected clicking can lead to terrible, terrible discoveries.
Showing posts with label hilarity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hilarity. Show all posts
If your Dog is exhibiting odd behavior, there is almost always a good reason.
My first dog was a Newfoundland/Golden Retriever Mix named Sport. We adopted him when I was four years old. He was the SWEETEST and smartest dog I have ever known and everyone who ever knew him says the same. Best Dog Ever though he may have been, he definitely had his weaker moments - eating the garbage, getting stuck in the neighbor's beloved pear tree after chasing a squirrel up into it, chewing the legs on one particular kitchen chair, and one or two sneaky bad habits. My dad always left first for work and came home first, so he assumed that my mother put away the butter on the kitchen table before she left and she assumed that he put it away when he got home. We went through a lot of butter, and no one in the family was the wiser. One day my mom came home early and Sporty was STANDING on the kitchen table having just finished that day's stick. Admittedly this was after I stole a stick of butter myself when we first adopted him and hid behind the Lazy Boy in the living room sharing it with him. I guess I got him addicted. Not leaving food on the counter is easy enough to figure out as an owner of a young dog, but butter is a CONDIMENT and less obvious as a dog target.
We inherited a lot of antique furniture from my grandparents and one very tragic day Sporty tore through the seat cushion of an antique sofa, ripped all the stuffing out, and continued to try to tear through the bottom. My mom assumed this was your typical anxious bad dog left home alone behavior, and he was punished accordingly. The next day he did the EXACT same thing - or at least he tore through what sad repairs my mother was able to make. A quick look under the sofa showed that his favorite frisbee was stuck behind it. I had been telling him the afternoon before that I wanted him to go get his frisbee so that we could play with it outside. Being only six-ish years old, after he didn't find the frisbee in the first 30 seconds, I forgot I'd even asked the question. He did not. And after he got his frisbee, he never went near that sofa again.
Maisy has been licking the floor in front of my stove for the last few days, and today it because a bit of an obsession. I figured whatever I spilled there must have tasted REALLY good, and was a little surprised that it hadn't all been cleaned up by her, yet. I sat down on the floor to try to distract her and play with her but she pushed my hand away and then started CLAWING at my marble floor in front of the stove. Obviously, at this point an investigation must be made. One of her extra special Scooby Snacks was stuck just about an inch under the front of the stove.
Moral of the story? If you give your dog a command (take it, here eat this, go find that frisbee), make sure you follow through, because the dog may keep trying even if you don't. And keep your butter in the fridge with the other condiments.
Getting Corrected by an Eleven-year-old
"Do you like my spice rack?"
"I like your whole apartment!"
"Hey. It's a HOUSE, ok? I paid for it, it's a HOUUUUUUUUSE."
"it's a condo..."
Black Ops
"That is way too loud. People are trying to sleep. Where is the remote..."
[volume drops]
"NOW I CAN'T HEAR IT!"
"What do you mean you can't hear it?? It's guns and "ugh!""
Maisy, Meet your Uncle Max
Look at that sliiiiiime on the eeeeears!!!! Grooooooooss!
They had such a blast together, running, chasing, drooling, stealing food, etc. that Max was sad to leave after the Holidays were over. Probably for the better, since they're just impossible to leash at the same time and at one point Maisy did run away from him out into the street and got hit by a car...* She's completely fine, but now I know what it means to give a dog "fluids." The doctors take IV fluid and fill the scruff of the dog's neck with it, so the dog looks effectively like Qasimodo, and then feels like Jell-O when you pet her.
*In Maisy's defense, the idiot driver was doing 35. up a residential hill. on a dead end road.
Wherein we vent
Grad Student: "Well, this has to be done soon because I leave for Europe next Friday."
Me: "Wait, that means I leave next Friday, too!"
GS: "See? There just aren't enough hours in the day."
Me: "I think I just peed my pants a little bit. We are not happy. The collective 'we'. Lots of anger in this room right now."
Other researcher (doing solidworks): "WHERE THE HELL IS MY MIDDLE STEP? I SEE IT! ITS RIGHT THERE!! SO WHY ISN'T IT IN THE PICTURE???!!"
Admin: "Fuckin' beets. I hate avocado salad. ...Oh, sorry, y'know 'when in Rome'..."
The Woes of Growing Up
"Ew, you stink. Go take a shower!"
"And use soap this time!"
"Are you guys sure its not just my B.O.?"
"Um, B.O. is washable. With soap."
"I thought you could only get rid of B.O. with deodorant."
"Go get in the shower..."
Hidden in a email full of De-motivational Posters
You all should know by now how much I appreciate data and its presentation. While this looks more like a custard to me, its still brilliant! And it makes me smile.
Family Snapshot
So my mom gets into her van the other day and I'm laying on the floor in the back because my stepdad forgot to put the seats in. She looks at the jumble of crap hanging lower than usual from the mirror, notices there is a hole in the turkey feather and says "GOD DAMMIT the goats were in here again!"
As long as I'm not the worst off...
I was sitting on the T on the way to work watching House on the iPod (LOVE going to work in the morning this way), and we made it as far as BU before the train stopped moving, and eventually the conductor says "There's been a blackout in the tunnels and NO train is moving on ANY line. You're welcome to wait with us, but you can also get on that bus across the street." That bus would have only taken me 3 more stops, and it filled up with everyone else from the train anyway, so I opted to walk the rest of the way to work (about 2 miles).
At the very least, the street was still pretty well covered in shade so I could see my iPod screen, but no sooner did I realize it was a little warmer than I originally thought when I heard screaming behind me, turned to see two guys in suits on bicycles CRASH INTO EACH OTHER in the middle of an intersection causing traffic to come to a DEAD stop, backing up for about three lights. That bus wasn't going ANYWHERE. :-)
I turned around and saw that both guys were able to stand up eventually, so I don't have to feel guilty about this post.
On Spam
Ok, I'm over spammers addressing me by my full name, making it look like my own email address is sending me messages, the offensive mispellings, and messages that don't even have the decency to be TO ME. Its the random names I have to at least glance at the subject of to make sure its not some doctor my other doctor has referred me to, or an ACTUAL job offer coming from some Alum's unknown secretary...
And sometimes, there are true gems that make me glad I'm neurotic enough to look through my spam from time to time. Fully automated bits of non-consciousness that make me laugh out loud. Like this, which actually turned out to be a discount offer for Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra. Because I have trouble getting an erection sometimes. But come ON! How can you not at least give that email a fighting chance with a subject like that!!?
*Heart* Teh Interwebs
I posted a picture of myself making the exact same face and the exact same caption about a year ago... I still love cookies, but I eat more of the sugar-free/Splenda variety now. P.S. Go Sox.
Able to Defy the Logic of a Six Year Old in a Single Bound!
Gwen tells her friends: "Allie ate 'booberries' when she was little. Mom told me."
Me: "Yeah, that was pretty silly. I had to get my stomach pumped. But how was I supposed to know they were the poisonous ones?"
6yo: "DON'T EAT BERRIES FROM OUTSIDE!"
Me: "BUT WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY INSIDE!"
At Dance Rehearsal
J: "Steph, can you do The Tootsie Roll?"
S: "What tootsie roll?"
J: "MY Tootsie Roll!"
S: "Why can't you do your own tootsie roll?!"
One Way to Recycle...
My room is typically spotless, and everything I own has a very specific "place." Things are lined up, squared, and generally organized to death OR very thoughtfully strewn. But there is this one little thing that I don't firmly control - I keep a constant supply of ripped up paper and cardboard randomly in the middle of my floor. I just drop it when I determine it to be trash, and Oliver takes over from there, chewing on it and tossing or pushing it wherever he thinks it needs to be. His miniature-rabbit-brain organization focus is not nearly at the level of mine, and every time I leave my room, and his paper is tossed all over the place, I die a little inside. It doesn't bother me as badly as it used to, and I like it when my rabbit is happy. He pees on my comforter less.
The pet store should have advertised him "Cute, Fuzzy OCD Therapy; Only $40!"
Spring Is Here!
How do I know?
Not because it was sunny and warm yesterday and every time I had to go somewhere at work I opted to take the outdoor route, rather than navigate the indoor MIT tunnels and hallways.
Because every day that I've walked across the Mass Ave bridge in the last few weeks, there's been a broken dvd player sitting on the ice near the Cambridge side. The ice edge had been working its way closer to the broken equipment, but yesterday while I was walking home I realized the DVD player was gone. It finally melted through. That is my new gage - when the ice on the Charles no longer holds the busted shit people throw on it.
Venus Fly Traps
Good for:
1) Desk decoration
2) Soothing the fear of forgetting to water your live vegetation
3) Keeping down the office fly population
3) Hilarious stories and faces and sounds from your boss
"How are you going to feed it?"
"Well, I read they're only supposed to eat maybe once or twice a year and they feed themselves."
"Oh! Maybe that's why mine died! I overfed it!!"
"Too many flies from a pet shop?"
"Nah, I'd just pull a chunk of ham out of the fridge and throw it onto it. The poor guy was probably like "Sodium!! blaggghhhhh!!!!"
[This is the part where he bugged his eyes out of his head and pretended to melt in the doorway with his tongue hanging out of his face]
Little guy needs a name. Any suggestions?
Sometimes I Wish I Was a H4}{0R
Yeah, for you leet-speakers out there, I probably spelled "hacker" wrong. Irregardless, I still wish it.
If I could hack like this guy I would break into facebook and change Jane Smith's* name to appear as "Jane 'I blow goats' Smith". That would be totally awesome. Because she sucks and the world [of facebook] deserves to know.
*Name changed so that I can't get sued for slander/libel.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
